Motherhood blues

 

So I’m feeling really down and defeated and sad that I can’t spend all day with marie and that for instance I always have to tell her in the morning that ‘I don’t have time’ when she wants to play and that ‘I have to go to work’ and ‘we have to get going’. Its always the same thing and I wish I had more time to spend with her and play with her. Its always so nice in the weekend or on vacation when we get more time together. I remember also feeling so devastated when I went back to work after my maternity leave. Like I was really shaken up and it took me a long time to be stable and to just be emotionally and physically ok. Cause back then I was pumping as well so it just felt so weird and abnormal for me to be sitting in that cold room pumping my breasts when obviously marie should have been there in the place of that pump.

 

I was so very emotional and felt that everything was wrong. As in everything that is normal and natural has been disrupted and I am expected to do things that go against that natural flow and go against common sense. Cause common sense was for me to stay with my baby. Its just what ‘felt right’. And I still have that feeling. I still actually feel sad and slightly devastated that I am here at work doing meaningless tasks and spending most of my time on this while having to pawn my child off to someone else to watch her while I can’t be with her. It just all feels so dumb and idiotic and backwards. Cause I know that my job as a mother is to be with my child. Like, that’s why I am a mother. That should be my job… to be with my child and educate them and raise them. Not to fucking sit here at a ‘job’ where I feel like I am wasting my time and not even getting paid that much for it.

 

Like, why am I not doing my actual job, the job that nature has assigned to me the moment I got pregnant, to take care of this child, to raise them, to be there with them and for them every step of the way until they’re ready to go out there by themselves? I know that Marie is also ‘OK’ with going someplace else everyday but I know she’d much rather stay at home and it’s times like this morning that just make it hard cause she wanted some time to play and wasn’t ready to get going and she’ll tell me ‘I want to stay’ and at that point I don’t know what to say to that other than ‘me too’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about having to go to work and sending Marie off to her grandma for the day

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heartbroken about not being able to spend more time with her as would and should be the natural way

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and heartbroken that I am ‘missing out’ on how things would be if I had been allowed to raise Marie at home and didn’t have to abandon her every day to go and waste my time at a job in the system where I don’t feel like I am doing anything that has any purpose or meaning

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down on myself and to think that I am a failure as a mother because I am not doing the one job that I actually have which is to be with my child and raise them myself and cause I abandon them and my task every day to go and work in the system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad at the thought that I am wasting the most important years of Marie’s development because I haven’t figured out a way to stay home with her which is the only thing that makes sense as a mother

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am failing my child by not staying home with them

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am failing my job as a mother by not being with my child

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that at the end of the day this is how it is and what’s most important is to be emotionally stable and show Marie that everything is fine and that no matter what we can be emotionally stable – no matter what situation we are in and no matter what we’re facing in the system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the thought that ‘I am a failure as a mother’ connected with the experience of sadness, depression, depravity and feeling defeated

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to instead support myself to do what I can do to do what is best for Marie and change my situation to be closer to what it should be --- rather than holding myself back and dragging myself down emotionally through judging myself as a ‘bad mother’ or a ‘failure as a mother’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage any potential or abilities I have to change things around or to actually create the best situation by defining myself in and as this thought that ‘I am a failure as a mom’ connected with the emotional experience of sadness and depression

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the trap of thinking and believing that ‘I’ve failed’ along with the emotional experience of giving up in defeatism and depression – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to ‘fail’ is if I stop supporting myself to stand and find solutions and ways to create and expand myself, my life and my reality

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this mind programming of thinking ‘I failed’ connected with the emotional experiences is more a reaction to me not having been able to create some ideal that I had in my mind of my life and of what I think and believe my life ‘should be’ – where I am actually sabotaging myself even more to find different ways or move ahead and work with and create with what is here and create a new ‘ideal’ so to speak, as in a workable, effective version of life in the physical that is best and most supportive for all parties involved

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this mind-programming of ‘failure’ to exist within and as me as an emotional reaction and state of mind as the belief that ‘I’ve failed’ instead of simply assisting and supporting myself to work with what is here and find solutions and ways of effectively directing what is here – as well as standing in and as the principle that to ‘give up’ is simply not acceptable and to live the statement that ‘I will never give up’ and therefore I can never ‘fail’ --- no matter what my situation is, I will always assist and support myself to be effective and find the best solutions and ways to direct what is here, and instead of ‘giving up on myself’ as emotional self-sabotage, I will accept myself as I accept what is ‘here’ as reality even if it does not match whatever ‘ideal’ version of reality I had in mind

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the energy experience of ‘giving up’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am actually just afraid of ‘failing’ and am operating within an idea that somehow if I ‘give up’ I am keeping myself safe from failing because its safer to give up within the belief that I’ve already failed than to try and fail --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a fallacy as failure doesn’t even exist other than as a self-induced consequence from accepting and allowing myself to ‘giving up’ as within ‘giving up’ I have already failed but if I don’t give up then I cannot fail

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad at my apparent ‘failures’ as in all the ways in which I am currently not living or have not managed to create and establish what I recognize and understand to be the ‘best’ or ‘most ideal’ situation in terms of raising a child and being a parent like not being a stay at home mom and ways I perceive I am ‘failing Marie’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to rather focus on how I can assist and support marie within the current situation rather than focusing on and reacting to what I am ‘not able to do’ as my apparent ‘failures’ – and so redirect my focus to the things that I CAN change rather than getting hung up on reactions to the things I CANT or haven’t been able to change, and accept the things as they are

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept my reality as it is and myself in and as it – instead of getting stuck  in reactions to how I believe things ‘should be’ and my ideals about how I ‘want’ things to be and this emotional body of regret/guilt/sadness/depression/defeatism because of my apparent ‘failure’ to product and create that ‘ideal reality’ that I believe I should be living in and that I ‘want to’ and ‘would rather’ live in

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be grounded and realistic and have my both feet and my awareness in reality by living in and as acceptance of how/what things are – rather than existing in delusion in this separate/alternate world in my mind where clearly there’s ‘failed expectations’ and there were clearly beliefs about how things were going to work out or about how I’m supposed to be living my life and what I’m supposed to be doing and clearly those expectations and beliefs are not matching up with how I am actually living my life and what my actual life’s set up is at the moment

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I don’t accept and don’t stand one and equal with what and how things are I will not be able to direct my reality into the best version of itself

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept my apparent ‘failures’ as in the things about myself and my life that are not as good as I know they can be and the areas where I have not been ‘successful’ yet as in created an outcome that is best – and stand one and equal with my world and reality as it is, as in to not react to it and to not have thoughts like expectations or beliefs about it

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to not accept myself and my reality is to be delusional – that to exist in any sort of reaction to ‘how things are’ in and as the physical as ‘my life’ is to be delusional as I am existing in an alternate reality that only exists in the mind as thoughts and energies as feelings and emotions where I pretend that things are different or am holding on to illusions as ideas and expectations and wants for things to be ‘different’, rather than seeing things for what they are and no more or less than what they are

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be delusional by choosing to exist in that alternate reality of thoughts and energy in and as the mind where I am living in separation from my life and reality in and as the physical as I  am participating in and defining myself in and as reactions to myself/my life/reality as in ‘feeling sad’ or feeling ‘depressed/deflated/defeated/etc…’

 

 

When and as I see myself feeling sad and depressed about dropping Marie off somewhere cause I have to go to work, then I stop and I breathe and I see realize and understand that this experience is coming from beating up on myself and being hard on myself about ‘not being able to stay home with Marie’ where I am blaming and judging myself and defining myself as a ‘failure as a mom’ or a ‘bad mom’ for not having been able to make that a reality, also taking Marie’s emotional experiences around ‘having to leave’ and ‘not being able to stay home with mommy’ personally and blaming myself for that

 

I commit myself to forgive myself unconditionally so that I can rather place my focus on creation and support of my reality, to find solutions that work for all of us and also assist and support Marie properly to be able to navigate her life and reality and her emotional state related to what’s happening in her world and reality

 

Because I see, realize and understand that if I remain stuck in that emotional state of beating up on myself in and as sadness and depression I am also sabotaging any opportunity or potential for change as I am not supporting myself to find solutions or ways to effectively direct my reality

 

I commit myself to, in those moments when that sadness comes up, make the decision to support myself and Marie rather than beat up on myself and ‘feel bad’ about the situation, and find ways of support to effectively direct the moment, like for instance looking for a stuffy or asking Marie what might make her feel better or if there’s anything we could do to make it easier

 

I see, realize and understand that those experiences of sadness and depression, related to that thinking programming where I consider myself a failure cause I haven’t been able to ‘succeed’ in creating the ideal life and situation for Marie and all of us, is delusional as I am existing in an ‘alternate reality’ in and as my mind, holding on to fake ideas and versions of reality that’s disconnected and separate from the reality that is HERE where things simply are as they are, whatever the reason is

 

I commit myself to push myself out of the delusion and to embrace and live acceptance of the reality that is HERE, where I redirect my focus from beating up on myself and ‘finding fault’ and ‘feeling bad’ to being a point of ‘support’ for/of what is here to look at how can I direct what is HERE to what is best – forgiving and letting go of the blame and the guilt and sadness/depression as part of the self-blame and working what is HERE in a matter-of-fact and practical way